Monday, March 5, 2012

BEHIND MY GRIT

Everyday as I wake up, I thank God for the opportunity having to live again. Having to rise from a slumber is a gift to make things right or make things better. As I rose from a deep sleep comes a hope that soon, a rainbow will appear. These days, I am experiencing a rollercoaster ride and feels like I am about to lose my sanity. For goodness sake, don’t!

 Behind these sweet and lovely smile, lies a heart broken self. I have uttered hurtful words when arguments heat-up, when conflicting ideas arises and when I am trying to push my own views. Oh, complications again and again, just roaming around the bush, blowing all our chances.

Where in my life had I gone wrong? I have loved yet had lost it in the process. I maybe wrong because of desperation. I faked a smile, although you see the happy glitter in my eyes. I wanted to reach-out but too scared now. My heart is pained because it beats no more for you. I could have had love you more than you could ever imagine. I could not fully fathom why you have hurt me in such a way that the pain ebbed in the innermost part of my soul. Something that takes a while to mend and heal. Whenever I am blanketed in the solitude of being alone, I can’t help but wonder where we both made mistakes and what had gone wrong. Whether it would have to be like this for us to realize what an asshole we both had been.

Last night, I find myself talking to God. I asked Him why there is pain and hurt. Why not laughter and cheer? Amazingly, I literally can feel that God is holding my hansd and said “My child, I let you experience pain so you may remember me. Through hurt & pains, I am making you a fighter. The more you cry, the more you are hurt, the STRONGER you become”. Then, my face lit up and I smiled. God added, “whatever happens, it always happen for a reason. I always give a rainbow after the rain”. I hope this is a sign for me to recover from these hurts.

Behind this grit is a great fa├žade. Behind these smiles and joyous appearance, are loneliness, bitterness, anger, frustrations and regrets. I hope I can still pick-up the pieces of myself and find my sanity. Someone who believes in the beauty of life and someone who believes in the power of love.  I hope it will not be too late....to believe again.